5 Brutal Truths About Buying a New Boat (That No One Wants to Tell You)

After decades selling boats for other people, I’m flipping the script — and putting buyers in control. No bias. No BS. No punches pulled. 🥊

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Let’s be real. Buying a boat should be fun — but for most folks, it ends up being confusing, expensive, and just a little bit soul-crushing.

Why? Because the game’s rigged in favour of the people selling you the dream — not those trying to live it.

Now, I’ve been on both sides of the fence — I’ve built, reviewed, sold, and now advocate for boat buyers. So I’ve seen the sausage get made… and let me tell you, it ain’t pretty.

If you’re short on time (or just impatient like me), here are the 5 Brutal Truths I wish more buyers knew — click to skip ahead or just scroll like a normal person:

🔎 Quick Links

• Boat Dealers are Not Your Friends

• Your Options are Limited

• What You Want is Not Important — It Is to Us!

• Customers Don’t Come First — You’re Pretty Low on the Priority List

• You Don’t Know What You Don’t Know (And It’s Not Your Fault)

Does it feel like you local dealer isn't listening? We hear you!

Boat Dealers are Not Your Friends…

You know what else grinds my gears? People who have opinions about things they know stuff-all about. Take, for example — oh, I don’t know — almost every boat salesman alive. And its not a new phenomenon.

One of my favourite authors, Mark Twain (he wrote Tom Sawyer, circa 1876), allegedly said: "It's better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt." While scholars debate whether the attribution is valid, they can F off. Twain was a steamboat captain, ergo — a Boating Expert — and us Experts need to stick together. Plus, WiFi was a bit hard to come by back then, so fools had an excuse. What baffles me is this: in a world where information is now so accessible, how is it that boat salesmen — or Boat Salespersons, if that’s their preference — know so little about any brand other than those taking up space in their yard?

Maybe that’s being generous. I’ve gone up against a few recently who barely have a grasp on their own limited range. Scary.

"What baffles me is this: in a world where information is now so accessible, how is it that boat salesmen — or Boat Salespersons, if that’s their preference — know so little about any brand other than those taking up space in their yard?"

And if they’re in the dark about how Boat A compares to Boats B, C and D, how exactly are they qualified to shed light on the matter for you — the poor bugger relying on their so-called “expertise” to justify parting with the kids’ inheritance?

I just threw up in my mouth.

So the default line tends to be: “Ours is the best — just look at the brochure!” Everything else? Not worth your (or their) time.

Well… unless they’re flogging a second-hand version of the very boat they shitcanned last week. In that case — “Mate, this one’s awesome. Absolute weapon. Hamburger with the lot. You won’t find better.” Sound familiar? That's the full spectrum shotgun BS blast right there!

👉 Check out Boatman’s article on how to translate Boat Salesman BS into actual English. (Spoiler: it’s not in the brochure.)

Your Options are Limited

Now, I’ll admit — hand on heart — I don’t know it all. But I’m experienced, literate, and Google-savvy enough to know more than most. Expert, and all that. Plus, I’m always up for learning something new — and I’m nothing if not enthusiastic. Just ask the missus. 😜

Unfortunately, many salesmen have honed their disdain and contempt for buyers into an artform — a necessary distraction to justify their spot at the desk. Sometimes it manifests as mild disinterest; other times, it’s full-blown disregard. Especially if you fall into that dreaded “just looking” category.

Boat Salesperson-types also suffer from a chronic and debilitating condition known as IRDGAF — a particularly aggressive strain of IDGAF, often misdiagnosed as DILLIGAF.

That’s I Really Don’t Give A F**k, in case you were planning to Google it in front of your boss.

My wife diagnosed me with all three early on. She reckons she’s fixed me. So I’m immune. 😇

But here’s the real kicker: all Boat Salespersons operate under a prime directive — Sell what’s in stock first. If it happens to suit the buyer’s brief, well… that’s just a happy accident. (And who doesn’t love a quick commission?)

They also weaponise their vague knowledge — and grammar — to craft listings so thick with BS, the digital ether is practically choking on it.

So a critical part of my role — as Boat Experts’ Chief Boat Whisperer — is to decipher the drivel many dealers pass off as listings and quotes. Thankfully, we’ve built an enhanced AI Bullshit Filter™ using code snippets, duct tape, and unbridled scepticism to do the heavy lifting.

And hey — my crew and I all had empathy transfusions… So we actually do give a— well, you get the drift.

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EXPERT'S TIP: We bypass the dudes on the desks and negotiate directly with the Dealer Principles and Sales Managers to ensure nothing gets lost in translation. And since we've deleted "NO" from our vocabulary, we don't quit until there's a genuine deal on the table or they call security on us and run away crying.

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There's Always Another Boat...

The next salesman who lets loose with “This [Insert Aussie Brand] is made for our conditions” is getting a full volley — no warning shots.

I mean, seriously — WTF is so different about wind, water, and sun in other parts of the world that makes them less lethal to boats “over there”?

Last time I checked (about five minutes ago, to be precise), ChatGPT assured me we’re all running off the same solar-powered death ray in the sky, the wind still blows from the opposite direction to whatever the weather lady reckons, and water is — wait for it — still wet.

Unless it’s frozen. Then you’re f**ked. Here’s the tip: all boats do much the same thing. Primary mission? Don’t sink. Secondary? Stay afloat. You getting the picture?

Yes, I know — they have different priorities, are made of different stuff, come in different sizes, and can be motivated in different ways. But if you don’t get that first part nailed… Well, congrats — you’re now the proud owner of a new artificial marine habitat. Send me the GPS mark.

The floating bit? That’s a given. Even the worst floating turd’s got that part sussed —unless you forget the bung and introduce a bit of extra ballast... in the form of the Indian Ocean.

Ah, the bung. That forgettable screw in plug below the waterline. One inch of plastic. Three turns of thread. What could possibly go wrong?

Sorry… flashback.

This could extend to tow vehicles, houses, spouses — not my wife, though, she's PERFECT — but when it comes to boats, perfection is illusive. The next time I here someone utter, Mate that's the perfect boat for you, I'll lose it . Let me explain. Boats are mission specific, that is they're generally compromised to perform one function at the expense of others. So while you can chuck a lure off the bow of a wakeboat, it's not going to be much chop pulling skirts inn a 3 metre sea off the shelf... although dragging your ferrel kids in behind the prop wash could make for an awesome Mako teaser!